Nov 10
tngyrl06 , Posted on SUPPORT NETWORK Blog

Worried and scared

Since our marriage 4 short years ago, my husband has had 2 heart attacks both of which could have been "it" . the first was in Nov 0f 2012 just one month after we married. the doctors told us then that if he had another one and "made it" to the hospital he would probably have open heart surgery. well in Sept of this year it happened again. He woke me up at 2:30 a to tell me he was having another one. sure enough he ended up with 5 artery bypass. so here we are again just 8 weeks post op and he has returned to the same habits that caused all three of his heart attack. I'm scared and worried that next time if there is a next time he isnt even going to make it to the hospital. I have attempted to talk to him and ask him to take care of what he needs to to stay alive and he just answers "if thats the way I have to live then I would just a soon not" He has even stated to friends that he was sorry he woke me up that morning to tell me. I afraid all the time that I'm going to lose him yet I cant make him eat right and not smoke. Anyone else deal with the same thing? and how did you handle it?
  • Elizabeth17
    I can tell you as a former smoker of 35 years that it was the hardest thing I ever had to do was quit. I found out how ill I was AFTER quitting. I can also tell you that I had a stroke when I was 42 years old - I am 57 now. I stopped smoking for one year after my stroke and then started back again. I can't imagine what it must be like from your side - but I can tell you my husband and I were married only 4 months when I had an Aorta Bi-Femoral Bypass. He told me that if I smoked it was a deal breaker and he was serious. He told me he was not going to sit around and watch me kill myself. Sometimes you have to use tough love...but you also have to realize that its his life and his choice - nobody can make you take care of yourself. Maybe he needs counseling - maybe he feels its hopeless to quit. There are many things that he may not tell you that are really about how scared he is. All you can do is cook healthy at home and tell him no smoking in the house or whatever that will make it a little more uncomfortable for him. The hardest part of your situation is that you knew he smoked when you married him, and you probably knew he didn't eat right. You can't punish him or be mean to him for it now. Just do as much as you can and tell him over and over and over how much you need him with you. Then turn him over to God.
  • ActiveLarry
    See if you can add a few healthy things to the diet. Reduce the worst things he eats. More fruit perhaps, berries especially. Pomegranates are in season. Use some oregano in dishes. Even a little adds a big antioxidant punch. If he complains, tell him you are going shopping for a casket for him. Or threaten to just have him cremated, since he is smoking already and won't stop.
  • BrendaDnNC
    The first thought I had was to take him to the funeral home with you and have him pick out his coffin and make all of his funeral plans. But I do sympathize with him. It is very, very hard to give up a lifestyle and adopt another one. And in the end, he has to do it for his own reasons--not for you or anyone else.
  • dphilli42
    I can tell you that getting off nicotine is a bear. I had a minor heart attack back in September, and while I didn't smoke, I chewed 1/2 a can a day of smokeless tobacco since I was 15 (I'm almost 35 now.) I have not had one dip since my event, but I do use the nicotine lozenges. They work great for me, maybe he can try nicotine replacement therapy (lozenges, patch, gum, etc.) to try and quit... or at least get his nicotine from those sources instead of smoking. As far as diet goes, that shouldn't be as hard, but it's still a big change. I felt like I ate "pretty good" but I really didn't. For me, I've cut out all red meat and switched to all fish and chicken... also a lot of fruits and veggies, and no fried or fast foods. At the end of the day, it's his choice. All you can do is your best to try and help him. I'm sure you are doing this, but just let him know how much you love him and how important it is to you that he stays around for as long as possible. Do you guys have children together?
  • schnbarb
    Have you asked him, gently, why he wants to die? If he denies it, point out there will be no other outcome of his behavior and you know that he is an honest person in other areas of his life and really needs to be in this as well. Have you discussed his death wish with his doctor? He needs help to sort this out with your support. Some men can be stubborn and private and sometimes the direct approach with the bottom line forces them to see what they are really doing. If he doesn't care if he dies, then he is depressed and needs additional medical attention. Sadly, this is common, but your loving encouragement (not nagging) can effect positive change.
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