What the hell was that?While walking around in Brooklyn I went blind. Just like that I had to stop walking. I removed my glasses and vigorously rubbed my eyes. "What the hell is going on?" was the immediate thought going through my head. It was as though a film had glazed over my eyes and I thought I would eventually rub it off. I rubbed and rubbed and rubbed.......eventually I could see again. I put on my glasses and went back to work. At some other time weeks maybe months later it happened again. And again not even considerng the bigger picture I went back to work.
Survival was the only option. Work, work, work work, work.....that's all I could focus on. I was a supervisor at a non-profit making under $50,000 but living in a shelter with my kids. I needed to work to be able to apply for apartments. I couldn't afford to be sick. I put it off....whatever this was, it wasn't happening to me. I was too busy trying to get out of the shelter I didn't have time to be sick. Months later when I was laid off, but in an apartment, I started researching my symptoms and found what I thought was the answer to my experience. "A stroke?" No way, I'm still very young...too young for a stroke.....or so I thought. My memory was immediately affected into what I joked about as dimensia....My circle of friends started calling me Dory (referring to the forgetful fish played by Ellen Degeneres in Disney's "Findng Nemo").
As time went by, I forgot more and more. Normally I'm very verbose with a great command of the English language, I found myself "ummm" ing far too often for my taste. I became heavily reliant on synonym finders when writing. After obtaining the apartment, I was grateful for the lay off....the job was nothing but stress, surely the main cause of my strokes. My daughter was emloyed full-time and I felt confident that along with my unemployment we'd be able to pay our bills-- I might be able to attend Law School for at least the first year before returning to work (don't judge me). But soon I lost all confidence as I realized my memory was rapidly escaping, my loss for words became apparent. It was frustrating to see my brilliant mind slip into an abyss. I didn't know what I could do because I needed to go back to work if I wasn't going to school.
Today I still work... I still have a loss for words....I'm still extremely forgetful.... When I stop to think about it I have no idea how it is I am able to still work. I feel like a walking miracle because my mind is disappearing into thin air and yet I get up every day and function like I'm normal when in reality I'm lost and confused.