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carleym, September 29,  2020  9:37pm EST

Grieving loss of our closeness /relationship

My husband had a stroke 4 months ago.  It was quite severe however he can walk with a walker (assistance), struggling with eating due to dysphasia , And some other physical challenges. Of all these things, however, his loss of "self" is the worst and terrifying and I feel like he is not my Chris anymore.  He tends to be rather child like , almost like someone who is a little drunk..silly.   He also snaps at things that would certainly not cause someone to react like that (angry and hurtful outbursts).  I look at pictures of us and I just start crying.  My God I  miss my husband so much.  I miss him holding me, telling me it'll be ok, calling me honey babe.  I miss "him".   It's so different.  He's different.   I am close to full on breakdown over this.   I need someone to tell me will this get better?  Will he gain his "self" again?  Or have I lost him?   I hate this has happened to us.  I don't lnow how to do this.  I'm terrified and grieving.   

2 Replies
  • AHAASAKatie
    AHAASAKatie, September 30,  2020  9:33am EST

    Good morning, I am so sorry that this has happened to you both, for stroke truly does impact the entire family. I have a few resources to share with you. 

    For Family Caregivers
    Stroke Family Warmline

    Please know that we have many caregivers that can share their stories as well.  We do have a section for Stroke Caregivers if you would like to share your post there. 

    Thank you so much for trusting us with what is happening in your world. 

    Best Katie

  • JKViggiano
    JKViggiano, September 30,  2020  3:34pm EST

    Hi Carleym. I can so relate to your message. My husband was a completely different person after his stroke. He was essentially a child again.  He threw tantrums, lied, said inappropriate things, demanded his own way--if he could have stamped his feet, he would have.  I had to figure out who he was at any given moment and be the wife/mother/caregiver he needed at that time. It was awful. We had kids at home and they were scared of him. There were times when I had to be stern and tell him he was not allowed to speak to me like that, just like a mommy would say. It was a very difficult time.

    Here is the good news: it took a few years but the craziness leveled out. There were lots of up and downs but the trend line always moved toward improvement. Slowly he came (mostly) back to himself. He will never be the same man he was but he is close. 

    I understand that you are grieving. I think we all grieve losing the life we had. I grieved for years. I am a Christian. It took me awhile to surrender to God and give it all to Him but when I did it, everything was better. None of what happened or was continuing to happen was in my control and I was killing myself trying to control everything. I could only do my best, the rest was the Lord's.

    As my husband became more aware, we agreed to build a new life together. It was going to be different, but it was going to be good. It has now been 12 years and it is different and it is good! You are so early in the process. Your husband has a terrible brain injury. He isn't being difficult on purpose. I encourage you to live one day at a time and just try to do your best each day. Good luck.

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