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JeffB, September 5,  2020  7:22pm EST

Still alive: an update

So yeah, Katie reached out to me recently to see if I was OK, or as I chuckled morbidly while having morning (decaf) coffee, more aptly, to see if I was still alive. And yes, I'm still here. Barely though at times. While I thought my heart attack and subsequent psychotherapy toughened me up afterward, this year and the isolation of it all just dropped me to my knees. I'm better now, not 100%, but doing what I need to, mostly to heal.

Anyway, just wanted to leave a link to my blog post on this. Not to gather traffic or comments, just to share with you all.

7 Replies
  • KarlR
    KarlR, September 7,  2020  9:04am EST

    I'm glad you're hanging in there.

    The isolation is a killer.  I've been managing it better than most in my circle, but it's not easy for anyone.

    My wife and I have been using stuff like Zoom calls and visits on the back patio (where everyone can stay distanced and masked) to alleviate the isolation.  It's not our normal level of interaction with others, but every bit helps.

  • steveSD
    steveSD, September 7,  2020  7:49pm EST


    Thanks for the update and the blog post. I'm having pretty much that same kind of a year but I haven't quite managed to drag myself out of the funk yet. The isolation was brutal and having what was supposed to be the most incredible year in a long time canceled really ****** all of the wind out of my sails. My workout routine was disrupted with the gyms being closed right as I was almost hitting my goals. The first 2 months I walked and rode my bike on and off the trainer and that was pretty good but when my twins' graduation and canceled (Italian) honeymoon came and went the depression hit really hard. Diet out the window, drinking increased (not substantially but still not great for my system). My blood sugars, which I fought so hard to beat down to a 5.2 A1C creeped up to 6.6 and while I'm still off medication I need to get that back down again. My diet and drinking are coming around but I can't quite get into the groove of home workouts. One thing I've realized is that my routine really worked. My health was better, my mental state was better and in general I just felt better all around.

    I know if I can force myself to get back on a schedule I will feel better but now we're moving so timing is difficult. The stress this year is seriously off-the-charts. I will get back on track. I've done it before and I know that it works. I just wish the gyms would open safely and my AC would work for more than a week at a time during the hottest summer on record. Hang in there everyone.

  • JeffB
    JeffB, September 7,  2020  9:39pm EST

    @KarlR, I have exhausted all those options as well and come to a place where I hate Zoom. I hate working from home, no pants, or not, as a benefit, but I really find a deep absence in my soul from all the lost interpersonal interactions. Each one, no matter how trivial, meant something to me. And, only now, when it's been ripped away so completely do I realize that. If anything, after we clear this dumpster fire of a year, to five years as I fear, I am going hug the **** out of everyone I see feely and with all my might. Rats, I'm tearing up again. Sigh. #2020

    @SteveSd, dude. My world has been reduced to this small computer monitor now within the walls of my home that keeps getting smaller and smaller by the week, Honestly? This is gonna be a fight for me. Perhaps the fight of my life. I've never been this low before. It makes my heart attack look like a day in the park with ponies, cake, and balloons. What all of us are doing collectively, as evidenced in your comment, is a monumental effort on all of our individual parts. It makes me feel better about all the nights I have cried in my pillow, silently, in an effort to not freak my spouse in the other room, out any more than I have already. Or during some stupid Marvel film when I just get dragged down yet again. Running, camping, lifting weights, and working 40 hours a week (even at home for most of this) helps build a pattern, but it's not what I want to call "normal." Even as, and I hate this phrase when used by new survivors "the new normal" 2020 is not normal. Nothing about this year is healthy in any way. It's the single biggest destructive force, besides war, that we have ever seen. And by war, I mean on the terms of WW1 & WW2 GDP wise. Argh, I have a rule about the news these days. 10 minutes, just 10 minutes. No more. I hope you keep going strong. I will be right there with you on my end trying to do my best day by day. This is, however, one of the biggest personal challenges I have ever faced. To be honest, I hat hate that I am not alone in this. I wish it were just me and not the entire World. <Sorry, long response, hashtag too many Holiday beverages here>

  • JeffB
    JeffB, September 7,  2020  9:45pm EST

    @Katie, can we tweak the language filter a little? lol

  • vancet
    vancet, September 12,  2020  12:13pm EST

    I'm sorry to hear so many are having super tough times.  I guess I've never been super social and my circle of friends are small so all this working from home actually hasn't been too bad for me as everyone at work uses Teams for collaboration. I've used all the commuting time saved to exercise more at home. I miss seeing my family but we keep in touch by Facetime and Zoom reguarly.  My wife is having a tougher time though as she's unable to visit her family and friends across the ocean like normal. I'm still so happy to be alive after almost dying from the HA so that keeps me super positive.

    Hang in there friends. Let's hope the vaccines are super effective and safe with extremely minor side effects for high risk individuals like us. 

  • Djwel
    Djwel, September 18,  2020  7:58am EST

    My heart attack was Oct 14th 2019 .. and i was prepared to have a big celebration on Oct 14th 2020. Looks like that won't be happening, and that makes me sad.  I hear good stories & bad on this site; the anxiety is what I hear the most lately.  I wake up every morning on the verge of tears, or frightened of what the day will bring.  I am not afraid of having another HA - maybe i should be.  I don't even know what it is.  I don't sleep well, and have horrible nightmares .... I was getting so much better, then had another major surgery in July.  I don't know what to do - I don't really have anyone that can relate to me. Thanks for letting me spew this morning.



  • JeffB
    JeffB, September 18,  2020  12:08pm EST


    Thanks for the comment. I feel where you are coming from. It's been a struggle, sometimes a losing battle, for me as well. For a lot of us. Stay true to yourself, find the thing that gives you power instead of taking it from you, be strong.


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