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SilverSonnet, October 13,  2020  7:07pm EST

Marriage is disolving

Hi, all.  I don't usually air my problems, but I'm at the end of my rope.  My husband survived a large hemohraggic stroke almost 13 years ago.  He's still able to get around and do most of what he could before, but he has cognative and vision problems.  We are in our 60s, and I've been our sole support for 15 years now.  R gets SS the last two years, but he doesn't use it for the family at all; he just saves it.  We get by, but money is tight.

The real problem is our relationship.  I think he might feel guilty about not working, although I never say or do anything to make him feel like that.  I'm a college professor, and I love my job.  Since COVID, I'm home all day doing classes in Zoom. 

Recently, I just feel like the mam I married is completely gone.  He steeps himself in politics all day and even wears headphones at night to listen to politics.  He's decide that I'm on the "wrong" political side and accuses me of all kinds of untrue political stances.

He says horrible, hurtful things to me and refuses to even admit he's in the wrong.  I'd never leave him--he needs me and has no one else--but I'm so lonely and unhappy.  I go out once a week to buy groceries and pay bills, but my own health requires me to self-quarentine right now.  So I don't really have any relief at all from his hatefulness.

I love my husband.  I know he'll never be the same as he was before the stroke, but I want him to at least be civil to me.  Advice, please?

2 Replies
  • AHAASAKatie
    AHAASAKatie, October 14,  2020  11:07am EST

    I am so sorry that this is happening to you both and am truly glad that you are sharing your world with us. I am sure our members will have thoughts to share as well, but I can offer you the Stroke Warmline 1-888-4-STROKE or 1-888-478-7653 Monday-Friday: 8AM-5PM CST where you can talk, one-on-one with people who understand as well.

    Maybe you could go for a walk and make the phone call and have some peace? 

    I do understand the need for quarantine, however, it's possible a therapist could help you as well. You have a right to live in a house, free from verbal attacks, and to be happy. My other thought is that your husband might need a neurological workup. Strokes are brain injuries and do impact personalities and behavior. His neurologist might be able to suggest medication to help with the self-imposed isolation and hyper-focus on politics. 

    Please know that we are here for you and want to help & support you through this time. Best Katie

  • Pete359
    Pete359, October 17,  2020  8:30pm EST

    Similar situation ... Have to keep reminding myself that it is the stroke talking and not my wife.  But it is hard to keep convincing myself that this is the same person I was in love with for 32 years and who was my vest friend, confidant and lover ...  most days, Ido not know this person and I cry, missing my wife and trying to maintain a civil relationship in getting through the other non-stroke-related caregiving chores I have to get hrough everyday that have robbed us us of all our hopes and dreams for this stage of our lives.  Most days, I just think about stopping my BP meds and just waiting for the Big One to to take care of everything....  But then I reach down, grab ahold of the basics that my Marine Corps training taught me to keep going and I just keep going.  Just know this -- you have no help.  no one is coming, there is no cavalry coming to rescue you.  You have to find what is deep within you and and drag it out to keep going one more day.  All the hype about caregiver support is a load of cr@p.  We are on our own.  The good news is that you have what it takes.  You've made it this far ... KEEP GOING!!  Fight the good fight!!  Do not go down until you are trully out of ammo!  We are in this until the end, so just knuckle down and suck it up. 

    Hate to be the bearer of bad news but thems the facts.  You are tough!  You've already proved it.  You just have to be tough for a while yet.   No one else really cares, so do it just to say "Up Yours!"


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