Monet77424
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Monet77424, February 14,  2019  10:18pm EST

A tough road

My husband was 36 when he had a stroke, he's 37 now. He had a birthday while in the hospital. He had a stroke that affected his left side. He is walking again but needs to gain movement with his left arm and hand. It's a tough road. We have young children under 3 years and I am taking care of everyone. Taking everyone to doctor visits, therapy, grocery store, running the house, paying bills, fixing things when they need it. I'm tired. My side of the family helps when they can. My husbands family lives out of state and can't really be of any help. It is taking a toll on me emotionally and I am starting to dislike my husband. 

6 Replies
  • Kdogg240
    Kdogg240, February 15,  2019  3:27pm EST

    Hi Monet, my wife also had a stroke on her left side of her brain. She was 37 at the time and we also had a 14 month old child. She did gain back her mobility but has been left with aphasia. She did lose her job, and I had to learn how to manage everything by myself. It has been a rough 3 years for our marriage and also our child. He doesn’t understand mommies disabilities. Her family also lives with in another state but they aren’t so far away. My mother in law is basically the only one who really gives me any relief. As my wife’s siblings don’t ever really do much to help us out. When she left in patient therapy we were all told to be a part of her recovery. And that is was very vital to her getting better. I guess people move on with their lives, unfortunately for people like you and I  we really don’t have that option and that can be extremely exhausting and frustrating. It sounds like we are dealing with similar situations. Just always keep in your mind that your husband I’m sure did not want this to happen. And we as caregivers have to manage our emotions and anger with grace and calm. It definitely can over take you if you let it. I was there, I know this. Blaming everything else, not really finding solutions, and actually making the situation worse. Be mindful of your health. Your children and you husband need you! It took me a while to find my calm. I know it was speaking up and letting out some of our story and receiving feedback from others that allowed me to get to my calm place. I never thought I would need therapy for myself, and I still do not seek therapy from a professional. But I look for therapy in other ways. Like this site and others with support. Youngstrokesurvivors, is also a great place to know your not alone and to get tips and advice on how to manage this situation. I found  for myself helping others is a great form of therapy for me, but you need to find  what works for you. Just please remember to be patient with your husband and yourself. If I knew then what I know now, I would have been way more equipped to deal with this life changing event that happened to us. Good luck to you and your husband. Please feel free to message any questions or concerns you may have. I would be happy to help with maybe giving tips on how I handled everything. We will be praying for you guys.

    Best regards Kevin 

  • DolphinWrite
    DolphinWrite, February 20,  2019  12:47am EST

    I don't know if this can help but my sister and I grew up in a military family.  In addition to moving a lot, all of us losing friends each time, my dad was away, sometimes a year at a time.  My mother took care of the household, us and all our needs including medical, and the rest.  Somehow, she always seemed at her best, though later in life I understood her struggles.  What you'really going through is really difficult, and it''s good your side of the family is there for you.  I believe, with time, you will find ways to ease some of the load.  If he could, he would be healthy again.  I hope things improve.  Go's bless.

  • notalone
    notalone, February 20,  2019  9:25am EST

    I am so sorry for what has happened to  you all. My wife had a massive stroke 5 weeks after our only child was born. She was 36 at the time and is semi paralyzed now. She lost her high level job after working there for 20 years.. She  does not always make good decisions and can be very difficult to reason with. I know first hand how difficult things are for you. There will be good times and bad times but remeber your husband did not ask for this. Though he has changed ,  inside he is the same person you loved before and now really counts on you . You need to know that it is OK for you to be upset at the situation too at times. You are only human and did not ask for this to happen and furthermore have never been trained on how to deal with it. It is really tough I know !! Stay strong with your family and yourself. Communication is paramount I have learned. I read your story and decided to sign up today so as to reply to you . My wife had a stroke 17 years ago...it has been very difficult but just know you are not alone. Stay with the good things you both enjoy and do not let negativity consume you ..It is definitely out there...good luck and take care

  • silana
    silana, February 20,  2019  12:02pm EST

    I understand why you would feel resentful of your husband, it is human and natural and I feel it all the time.  It is not that I dislike him, I am unhappy at a challenging situation which cannot be changed and I have no choice but to support him and our children.  There is no one else, I can't say I don't feel like it right now!  Being young with a family and having a stroke is unique and I (and, others here, it seems) can relate.  It is mentally and physically exhausting.  My husband's stroke was almost three years ago (April 4, 2016). Now, he is 52, I am 42 and our children are 12 and 8 years old. He has left-side hemiparesis, drives, works (although not full time), and walks slowly and has trouble with fine-motor skills on his left side. I find it challenging to be youngish and have our lives changed so drastically. And, our children are young. It's a lot of adjusting to our 'new normal' (the phrase which dr/rehab love using).  Self-care is important.  Even a 10-minute break of reading a book or watching tv, a time when you can lose yourself, can help to rejuvenate you.  I also find journalling worthwhile -- I just grab a piece of paper and begin writing.  Each time, I am surprised by what I write; it helps me to work through things since I am doing so much of it on my own (daily tasks and bigger decisions, too).  Hang in there, feel free to reach out to me -- you will find your rhythm :)

     

  • Jojo815
    Jojo815, February 24,  2019  10:36am EST

    Good morning. Last year my wife had a hemorrhagic stroke 10 days after the birth of our daughter. We also have a 3 year old son.  She was 36 years old when it happened and has left sided weakness.  It’s been a little over a year and she still cannot walk on her own, her core is weak, and her left arm is very stiff, but cognitively I would say she is 90% back.  It’s extremely tough trying to keep her motivated because of how slow her recovery is.  We’re constantly bickering because I’m trying to stay on top of her to do as much therapy as possible.  I have help with the kids, but guilt sets in because I’m asking so much of other people and drastically changing their lives also.  I have so much frustration when hearing about other families going on vacation or doing different activities on the weekends because I wonder if our family will ever get to do those things in the future with some sense of normalcy.  Nobody could possibly understand how I feel even though they are always saying, “Don’t worry, things will get better”.  I’m so grateful that my wife is still here,  but I want the old her back so badly.  Every minute I think about if that possibility will ever come true in the future and how long it will take.  I guess I’m being greedy. 

  • Vegas
    Vegas, March 19,  2019  11:50pm EST

    I don't want to offend anyone but think an open or Polyamorus marriage where 2 or 3 couples with a disabled partner form a poly house might be the best option. This way the partners and caregivers can also have their needs met. If the couples share an actual house and living costs, or a multi unit property it could help everyone. 

    I think Poly should be recommended in support groups, they offer everything except the 1 thing everyone needs. Another advantage of dating someone going through similar problems is, they are less likely to try to take advantage of the situation.

    My goal is to keep marriages together but consider both the patient and partners needs.and safety. 

    Respect and openess, not Disrespect and cheating.

    Take care,

     

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