Julia L. Mayer, Psy.D. & Barry J. Jacobs, Psy.D. - How To Grow Through Grief
Psychologist Barry J. Jacobs, Psy.D. has been an AHA volunteer since 2008. He and his wife, Julia L. Mayer, Psy.D., are the co-authors of AARP Meditations for Caregivers—Practical, Emotional and Spiritual Support for You and Your Family (Da Capo Lifelong Books). To learn more about the book, find them on Facebook.
Like many couples married for over 30 years, Ann and Hal had their ups and downs. They’d always been devoted life partners to one another, but also argued day-to-day over money and family. Then, Hal had his first stroke five years ago. Out of stubbornness and pride, he resisted Ann’s care, often frustrating her. She became even more irritated with him when he had additional small strokes and would suddenly and unfairly lose his temper at her. She found the caregiving to be hard.
But Ann was still overcome with grief when Hal died from yet another stroke. His death hadn’t been unexpected to her but her reaction was. Rather than feeling relieved, she felt unmoored. What would her life be now? If she was no longer his wife and caregiver, she wasn’t sure who she was anymore. What would she do with herself? What purpose would she serve? And she was paralyzed by the intensity of her emotions. She felt not only deep sadness, but also increasing anger that her husband had suffered for so long, as well as guilt that she had sometimes snapped back at him. How would she ever be happy again?
Caregiving and grief frequently go hand in hand. When a loved one has a long-progressing cardiovascular disease, it is normal to have what’s called “anticipatory mourning”—feelings of loss with the realization that a loved one has been changed by medical events and is likely to decline further over time. Such early-warning grief helps caregivers prepare for what’s to come. But death has a finality that can still overwhelm caregivers, as it did Ann. While we all know that grief is a normal part of life which everyone will experience at some point, recovering from it is a slow, painful process.
How can you not only recover but grow through grief? Here are some ideas:
Accept an upsurge in feelings: It is important to keep in mind that, for there to be grief, there must first be love. Even if you experience what you consider to be negative feelings of relief, anger, and disappointment alongside the sadness, it is love that makes the grieving process painful. Try to face grief without criticizing yourself, observing and accepting all of your feelings. Don’t try to avoid them through keeping yourself distracted or overly busy. Grieving has been compared to having a terrible case of the flu. Slow down, do self-care, be compassionate with yourself and know that gradually you will recover. If you allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise for you, then you may find that, ultimately, you range of feelings has expanded and your emotional intelligence has increased.
Make connections: Although bereavement can be a lonely time, you may look back at the grief process and feel that you’ve made new connections or strengthened old ones. Because of the hole left behind by your loss, there is room for new contacts and friendships, as well as the renewal of old relationships. Family members may offer you their support, distant relatives may get back in touch, and new people may fill in the empty spaces. You may make connections through your religious institution, neighborhood organizations or a grief support group. Individual psychotherapy can also be helpful to you if your grief is prolonged and complicated. Knowing that there is a community of support, old and new, will feel reassuring.
See yourself differently: After grieving, many people feel wiser. Grief challenges us to grow in our understanding of ourselves and others. You may feel that you’ve gained wisdom about the meanings of your life when you step back and contemplate your own relationships and accomplishments. You may grow in courage to face what lies ahead. You may even let go of old cherished expectations for the future to deal with unforeseen change. It takes time, but gradually, you may greet the future with a spirit of acceptance and adaptation by creating new, realistic goals. The loss you experience can lead to your personal renewal.
Greater compassion, connection, wisdom and courage—these are just some of grief’s potential outcomes. You may gain a greater appreciation for life, both its fragility and strength. In this way, you will honor you lost loved one long after he or she is gone.
TELL US: How did you cope with grief?
Like many couples married for over 30 years, Ann and Hal had their ups and downs. They’d always been devoted life partners to one another, but also argued day-to-day over money and family. Then, Hal had his first stroke five years ago. Out of stubbornness and pride, he resisted Ann’s care, often frustrating her. She became even more irritated with him when he had additional small strokes and would suddenly and unfairly lose his temper at her. She found the caregiving to be hard.
But Ann was still overcome with grief when Hal died from yet another stroke. His death hadn’t been unexpected to her but her reaction was. Rather than feeling relieved, she felt unmoored. What would her life be now? If she was no longer his wife and caregiver, she wasn’t sure who she was anymore. What would she do with herself? What purpose would she serve? And she was paralyzed by the intensity of her emotions. She felt not only deep sadness, but also increasing anger that her husband had suffered for so long, as well as guilt that she had sometimes snapped back at him. How would she ever be happy again?
Caregiving and grief frequently go hand in hand. When a loved one has a long-progressing cardiovascular disease, it is normal to have what’s called “anticipatory mourning”—feelings of loss with the realization that a loved one has been changed by medical events and is likely to decline further over time. Such early-warning grief helps caregivers prepare for what’s to come. But death has a finality that can still overwhelm caregivers, as it did Ann. While we all know that grief is a normal part of life which everyone will experience at some point, recovering from it is a slow, painful process.
How can you not only recover but grow through grief? Here are some ideas:
Accept an upsurge in feelings: It is important to keep in mind that, for there to be grief, there must first be love. Even if you experience what you consider to be negative feelings of relief, anger, and disappointment alongside the sadness, it is love that makes the grieving process painful. Try to face grief without criticizing yourself, observing and accepting all of your feelings. Don’t try to avoid them through keeping yourself distracted or overly busy. Grieving has been compared to having a terrible case of the flu. Slow down, do self-care, be compassionate with yourself and know that gradually you will recover. If you allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise for you, then you may find that, ultimately, you range of feelings has expanded and your emotional intelligence has increased.
Make connections: Although bereavement can be a lonely time, you may look back at the grief process and feel that you’ve made new connections or strengthened old ones. Because of the hole left behind by your loss, there is room for new contacts and friendships, as well as the renewal of old relationships. Family members may offer you their support, distant relatives may get back in touch, and new people may fill in the empty spaces. You may make connections through your religious institution, neighborhood organizations or a grief support group. Individual psychotherapy can also be helpful to you if your grief is prolonged and complicated. Knowing that there is a community of support, old and new, will feel reassuring.
See yourself differently: After grieving, many people feel wiser. Grief challenges us to grow in our understanding of ourselves and others. You may feel that you’ve gained wisdom about the meanings of your life when you step back and contemplate your own relationships and accomplishments. You may grow in courage to face what lies ahead. You may even let go of old cherished expectations for the future to deal with unforeseen change. It takes time, but gradually, you may greet the future with a spirit of acceptance and adaptation by creating new, realistic goals. The loss you experience can lead to your personal renewal.
Greater compassion, connection, wisdom and courage—these are just some of grief’s potential outcomes. You may gain a greater appreciation for life, both its fragility and strength. In this way, you will honor you lost loved one long after he or she is gone.
TELL US: How did you cope with grief?
